This is the first month i've noticed my PMDD being really bad since i started treatment. My oestrogen implant must be wearing off now, it's been a year since i had last implant. I've come off the treatment because progesterone gives me stomach/IBS problems, and possibly my migraines are worse on hormones.
I'm managing a project, and the stress just 'got to me' the other day. Although i've managed plenty of projects before and been fine. I felt so angry, vaguely at my colleagues since they were nearest to me, and the work suddenly seemed overwhelming/impossible. The designer i work with is pedantic and very demanding and he added a new layer of complexity to the task i was doing. My manager doesn't get on with him so i commented, has he gone mad?? And i just wanted to quit. If id just got on with the work it would have been fine but instead i moaned A LOT, bossed my friend around, was mean about his work and got him to change it - something my manager did to me a while back and i hated him for! In my head i was thinking stop being so mean but i couldn't stop what coming out of my mouth! It didn't help my friend was arguing every time i asked him to do a task though, but he's new to our team so guess he doesn't understand the crazy deadlines yet. He got snapped at for that!! Strangely my manager coming across and asking me if i was ok, made me smile and feel calmer. Usually when he asks this 'out of the blue' when i'm feeling fine, it pisses me right off. But this time it was appreciated. It just shows, a little support can go a long way...
However, i did make one reference to my hormones (even tho they are men) and made jokes as I was ranting and raving because i knew what was happening, and i think this helped to lighten my mood!! Still my friend looked pretty pissed off at one point but he was ok when i apologised the next day. Apparently i was mean tho!
When i went home i tried to watch comedy but wasn't really focusing. Then i had chores to do which felt overwhelming at first but i felt on a mission to complete everything by the end. I love 'nesting' when i'm on!! It did mean i went to bed too late again though. But next day I was better. So far my moods don't last longer than a day, and so i tell myself it will pass and it does. I came on 2 days later.
The difference from being on implant is i haven't felt so angry i feel like crying all day, for a long long time. I still got irritated/angry on hormones but never for very long at a time, the moods got better. And i stopped crying. Whereas i remember from my earlier days of PMDD that the depression stayed a long time and i was frequently crying every month.
I've also noticed my motivation dropping, i have much less 'drive' to do hobbies, and less focus at work. Whereas on the implant, i was great at sticking to hobbies/my routine, and wanted to try new things. Now i don't care enough to care, I just feel lazy and unmotivated, and don't care about trying new things. The only thing i 'care' about now, is finding a herbal remedy/dietary intervention which will help my hormones. I went to meet friends this week, and as i was traveling there on the train, i really questioned my judgement in making plans, and i felt angry at the hassle of having to socialise! This is where living in London probably lets me down, as it's a mission to go out, an hour of travelling there and back, definately doesn't seem worth it if you feel low and it's going to be an effort getting through the evening. And i was quiet while out, and all i could think about was 'I'd much rather be sleeping! '. I guess that puts an end to having a social life before/during my period again, at least with acquaintances. I'm starting to wonder whether i'm getting depressed again too.
I just realised i also stopped taking my Solgar multiple vitamins this month, so it could be that, that caused the drop in my mood. Due to GP complaint that vitamin B12 level was too high on a blood test...Fingers crossed as i can correct that!
I thought perhaps I was 'ok now', and the monstrous PMDD wasn't going to return but now i'm questioning whether it was wise to come off the implant. It seems i have a choice between monthly depression or putting up with the nausea and stomach 'churning' for 2-3 weeks of the month while taking progesterone. Time will tell.
